This is a self indulgent post but I just really wanted to get it out. Read if you wish 🙂
Overall I am a confident person. But as I’ve suggested in a previous post, I really have to watch myself because I can slip into serious self doubt, low confidence, and at times (too many times) self hatred.
I have been known to be incredibly hard on myself and one thing that I will be hard on is stupid mistakes.
[To clarify, purposeful, thought out decisions that turn out to be bad ones do not actually count as stupid mistakes. These are different, to me they’re a ‘well you thought you were doing the right thing and you’ll know better next time’]
Over the years, the stupid mistakes that I would be a classic for me to be hard on myself on are things like;
- Missing a train
- Burning dinner
- Saying something silly in company I’m trying to look professional in
- Missing a flight
- I once booked a train from a station 50km’s from the station I meant to (in case you ever get in the same situation, there are 2 stations in Italy called San Quirico)
- Sending an email to a Spanish client with the greeting ‘Afternoon Guapo’ (I thought it was his name!)
So you get the gist, they’re silly little things, so you may wonder why my inner self chooses these to kick myself over and not…….making a wrong business decision at work.
Basically they’re things I could in some way link to my intelligence.
So over the years this annoying inner me has had this little voice, and every time I make a slip up, as clear as day it says to me.
“Sometimes I hate myself”
It was so so clear and really was like a punch to the stomach every time because it really was kicking me when I was already down. It also wasn’t something I could stop, the inner me voice would say it before I knew it was coming.
However……..I haven’t told myself this for 7 and a half months. 🙂
This may not seem like a long time but I’m sure you’ve guessed that this voice was just a part of a bigger self doubt issue. I knew I wasn’t certain attributes
- Artistically cultured
Now I look back I see how crazy it is that I would hate myself for not being these things.
Over the last year the type of securities about myself have crept in. I know I am;
The problem is we’re so afraid of seeming big headed, but I would take being called that than hating myself any day. So yes, I stand by my title – sometimes I love myself and who I am.
Lastly, the three points that I am not – elegant, mysterious, artistically cultured. I chose these because they are exactly what my beautiful Russian colleague is. About 18 months ago I was really comparing myself to her which is crazy because in some ways we are just so different.
But again now I look back we have our similarities;
- Hard working
However, there’s one more way we’re similar.
A week ago today, I was speaking with her and asked how her flight back home was (the week before we’d had a big team meeting at the company HQ). To try and summarise;
She’d had an absolute nightmare.
She’d originally tried to save the company money by booking a cheaper flight from London to Vienna and then a separate flight from Vienna to Moscow giving herself plenty of time to get her bags and then check back in.
But she’d muddled up her arrival and departure time, basically a silly mistake throwing out the window all of her best intentions. She had to find a new flight and travel across London to change airports.
Because it was Christmas, any direct flight was £850! So she had to re purchase a new indirect flight for £500 (which is still about £300 more than a direct flight normally) and all out of her own pocket! Because she couldn’t go to our boss asking for the company to pay for her mistake.
So there she was telling me how stupid she had been, “So so stupid! I was too careless! so stupid!”
So there’s one thing not just me and my elegant colleague but all of us have in common;
We’re all fucking human!
So here’s to 2018 and not being so hard on ourselves 🙂